| ADOPTION |
Talking with your children about their adoption
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Having an adopted child should be no different to having a child of your own, but as with normal parenthood there are always going to be times when things don’t run as smoothly as you would like, all families have their up’s and down’s, and if you have more than one child it is important to treat each child as an individual never make comparisons.
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When you first consider adoption it is wise to decide if you are going to advise the child or his origins or not. As with many things in life there are always two opinions as to tell or not to tell, but at the end of the day it is a decision only you and your partner can make, and also what you decide is often influenced by the individual child itself.
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You may decide that your child has the right to know the truth about his or her origins from a very early age, but great care should be used in how and what you tell the child. As stated before all children are individuals and as such react if different ways to different circumstances. One way to approach the subject might be to tell the child that they were very special, as you choose them to be your child because you loved them very much, and then as they get older you could tell them more about their origins, obviously if you have other children great care should be taken not to make the child feel superior or inferior to their siblings.
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Some people think that the child should be older when you tell them that they are adopted. Their reasoning is that the child would have a normal life and would not feel that they were any different than other children, and with the child being more mature would make it easier for the parents, who would not feel so awkward in explaining things. Also they consider an older child would better understand that the parents wanted and loved them even though they were not their biological children. (This would appear to put the parents benefit before the child’s) Whilst this might work out alright for some, there is a real danger that the child would feel resentment toward the parents thinking that they had been lied to their entire lives, and would be angry and let down and it may make it difficult to ever win the child’s trust again.
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If you think that the open adoption system is a better arrangement, it is something to be researched, although you may find that it is unavailable where you live. Many people consider that a child who is loved by a lot of people is better than a child loved by a few. Since family life has changed a great deal over the last decade, children today are more influenced and molded by the community and environment in which they live, and it probably has more bearing on how the child will develop as an adult than the family environment does.
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